This is unfinished. I typed this out on my phone while I was sitting in a clinic waiting room earlier today. Every now and then, I find myself sitting somewhere, feeling overwhelmed about life, and I type it out. I decided to share this one because I haven't been so emotionally conflicted in a long time. The last few weeks have been such a roller coaster ride. Every time I thought I had it in control, I didnt. Anyhoo, here are my cut and pasted thoughts, spelling and grammatically incorrect and all:
"I feel so lost right now. Its an all too familiar feeling and it hasn't gotten old yet. It still hurts. I feel like a failure...I feel violated, foolishly impulsive and even a little speechless. I want things to go back. I want things to be better. I want it all to go away. I want to not be the victim and I want to not make somebody else the villain...and vice versa.
I shouldnt have written that fucking email.
I want to be happy and make you happy too.
I have plenty of issues and will never be perfect, so I dont expect you to meet an unfair standard. I understand that you have to take the good with the bad...Im still trying to figure that out actually. How much bad can I accept? Does the good outweigh the bad? Am I being foolishly impulsive again? So many things I dont know how to answer.
The very few things that I do know are that I am ridiculously in love with you and...I have had such great times with you in the last 5 months. Im sorry for many things, known and unknown. Im also not sorry for many things as well. This is literally the lowest and highest part of my adult life. I know I have put you through the ringer, but these are the cards that have been dealt to me and I am doing all that I can do. I would like to say you deserve better, but I know regardless of my living situation, I am very valuable. I know my worth.
but of course I want you to be here for my rebound. That, I know, you deserve.
I haven't cried about this and I dont want to. I just want to figure it all out and progress.
Its just so hard when it doesnt come easy."