Mike Milan

Flashback ;)

2012-01-11T23:04:00.003-05:00

NSFW!!! I still get traffic from this: http://www.dudetubeonline.com/2007/05/06-week/
click on the link, scroll down and you will see the full version of this picture.

This was years ago and I was going through a naked phase.
If you check my blog around that timeframe, you will see a lot!

The World Keeps Turning

2012-01-11T22:38:00.002-05:00

Since moving to NYC, I have been desperately trying to find myself through many channels. Art, photography, frequenting different social circles, severe networking (not that desperate clingy shit, though!), and creating a variety blog (streetwalkersnyc.com). I have been pushed to my absolute limits here, and although I have been close to leaving, I haven't. As beat down as I would get, I always knew that I would get it together. It wasn't even a deep down in my gut kinda feeling, it was always right below the surface. Im going to make it, Im going to succeed, Im going to be a fucking adult again.

However, in trying to get myself together, I lost myself. I felt like I lost my independence, and my personality was suffering. I became a very insecure person, always broke, angry, I felt raggedy and very unattractive. Even in my relationship I often felt like a bum for always having my bf pay for everything. Even clothes for me to go on interviews! I have a lot of pride and have always been able to do everything for myself, so I have also been humbled here.

5 months after I moved here, I applied for a job very similar to my last job in Boston. I had 2 interviews and they seemed to love me. Shit, I even cut my platinum streaked rat tail off for these motherfuckers! I ended up not getting the job and it boggled my mind. I was so perfect for that position and gave 2 great interviews....and nothing. I was mad. So mad, I never officially got over it.

It became somewhat of a chip on my shoulder. I would think about my last job in Boston and I would just get annoyed with the fact that I couldn't have it here. Well, after having quite a few shitty jobs and getting laid off this September, I hit a breaking point in November. I was just feeling so low about myself. All of my misfortune was not only putting me in severe debt, it was hurting my relationship as well.

One evening, I was laying in bed and ran across Kim Zolciak's Twitter profile and read her bio; "Ask, Believe, and Receive!" I thought about it and decided that I was going to approach the next day with a new attitude. The next morning, I woke up and decided to let all of my anguish go and just know and feel that everything was going to work out. It didn't take long before I was set off and sent into an emotional frenzy.

After being set off, I started walking around the city, crying before attempting to go to the gym, and questioning where my life was heading. I then ran into somebody who I really respect (Joe Buffa), and had a small yet appropriate convo about my direction. After the convo, I realized how much of a mess I was and immediately did a beeline home. When I got home, I sat in my negative feelings and decided to take control again.

Thats the thing, when you are weak, even trying to think positive can seem futile..but its not. You gotta really believe and KNOW that things WILL get better. Diligence isn't just reserved for school or work, it needs to be applied to everyday life. So I immediately went to the website of the job I wanted but didn't get.

Long story short, I sent a very courteous email saying who I was and that I was interested in applying again....6 days later, I started my first day. Slowly but surely, I am getting my life back to where it needs to be. Did I need this particular job to get myself together? Absolutely not. But it was part of a goal that I set and achieved.

Im sharing all of this because of 2 things; its my damn blog and this is what I do! lol And because I think its important to share this kind of energy. The fact that my entire life was turned inside out and I was put through so much emotional and physical stress, and yet I never gave up.

Honestly, giving up just never seemed like a great option.

Although things are moving in the right direction, I have lots more shit to take care of and really, Im cool with it.

I'll get there. I know it.

PS Thank you Kim ;)

Start.

2011-12-07T23:16:00.001-05:00

I hit some huge emotional lows in the last 2 months and although I felt like shit, I didn't give up. How does one give up anyways? Does it end in something like suicide? Thats the only way I can see myself giving up. Well, I am still alive and although the last few years have been filled with tall mountains and low valleys, I am in a great place right now.

I will wait awhile before I share all of that info, but I am exactly where I wanted to be when I first moved here. However, everything happens for a reason and better late then never.

;)

To The Brim

2011-10-26T01:14:00.001-04:00

I firmly believe that the life we all live is a result of our choices. However, there are always those decisions, relationships, and people that you honestly believe are here to make your life better through joy and or success, but willfully end up putting you through the ringer. As much as I want to just let it all out and cut a few people into shreds, I won't. Thanks to a certain individual, I am learning quick that silence is just as much a dagger as any resentment filled tirade.

Clarity can be rather confusing and disheartening.

Not Defeated, Just A Little Worn.

2011-10-19T23:45:00.000-04:00

Can you believe its been 3 years since I have moved to New York? Time sure does fly. Lately, I have been doing lots of mental assessments about my life. I actually used to do it a lot in order to keep me in check and make sure that progress was always around the corner. Well, I will be the first to admit that I have strayed away from doing so because I have fallen into quite a hole. Its a lot going on that I no longer care to share with many people, if any.

Everybody has their own problems and really, I just don't feel like explaining all of my issues and getting that guilty feeling afterwards. Vulnerability is such a beautiful thing when witnessed. However, when I let my pain, my concerns and fears out for all to see, I feel like my value takes a hit! lol Generally, I think it takes such courage and strength to let it all out...as long as it comes from an honest place (Being vulnerable around people because you're needy, is tacky and opportunistic).

What to do, what to do. I'm looking at all of this as just the part that is "worse" before it gets better. I'm sure I could have phrased that sentence better, but you get it. I don't even feel as physically attractive anymore as well..haha! True though. You know, it just happens sometimes. When you're beaten down on the inside, the outside follows suit. What makes all of this acceptable, is that I know this is just part of the journey. Through all of this shit, I am picking up a lot of knowledge.. and my heart...my heart is so much bigger now.

Although I feel lost, I know that whatever trail I am on, its just going to lead me back to me...back to being confident and happy. Im not happy right now, but I will be.

I will be great(er).

Welcome..again.

2011-10-04T18:51:00.002-04:00

If you are here and have been here before, then you know that this is a new domain name. Some mothefucker bought my other domain name right from under me! It literally knocked my site offline! Isn't that some rude/bold shit? Anyhoo, fuck that person. Instead of IamMikeMilan.com, I am simply just MikeMilan.com. Which is what it should have been from the start. Whatevs.

As usual, I am still broke, slightly bitter and jaded-as-hell. Again, whatevs.

Here is a pic of me looking either sexy, or creepy. Totally up to you to decide.

Tears Won't Leave a Trace

2011-09-27T01:14:00.000-04:00

My life lately has been disastrous. Money, employment, relationship, health...you name it, everything is off track. I spoke to my good friend Rob, and he put a lot of stuff into perspective (I love you Rob, I really do. I cannot stress how important you are to my sanity).

Sometimes its no longer about what is right or wrong anymore, but rather if it even works. Does the piece of the puzzle fit? Something that seems so heinous to me, may seem very trivial to you. Do I try to make you see things my way? Or do I just accept you for who you are and just go on about my business? Not every situation merits the same thought, but sometimes you really have to put your beliefs out there and let 'em know when something is wrong. However, the older I get, the more I am letting people just be who they are and just accepting them. Unfortunately, apart of letting people "be who they are", means that some have no room in my life.

Thats the part that hurts. One day you may find yourself like me, and realize that somebody that you love so much, doesn't love you the way you need and deserve to be loved, and that its not your fault or theirs, but rather you are too different to work anymore. I am in a very strange place right now...this may be the first time in years that I have actually felt lonely and completely misunderstood. There are times where I honestly feel like I make so much sense, that I think I'm crazy. Does that make sense?

Anyhoo, as usual, I will make it through. Don't I always?

Control is a Reality

2011-08-03T01:12:00.003-04:00

It is so easy to forget how much control you really have over your life. I have been fully aware of this for a few years now, but the last 8 months have caught me off guard. I have given far too much credit to other people for my shortcomings. I have believed that other people have caused my pain and aggravation when really, it has been my lack of self control that has made me so bipolar-like and helpless.

Don't get me wrong, some of ya'll have been awful to me! lol But my reactions have been very poor. I have been walking around on emotional autopilot. Been playing victim for awhile and its not a roll I play well, its fucking tiring and has gotten me nowhere. Who wants to walk around feeling useless? Seriously, I have felt so useless and insecure...for what? It hasn't done shit but slow me down and water down my opportunities.

It feels good to be able to look back and dissect my actions and emotions. Its never too late to take control.

Anyhoo, I just had to let that go.

xoxo

Hawaii Pics!

2011-07-01T01:29:00.005-04:00

tons more pictures when you click on "read more.."

Potential?

2011-06-30T00:10:00.005-04:00

I typed this out earlier on my phone...for myself. However, I decided to share it since I haven't blogged here in awhile.

Where and when does potential begin and end? As a person who has been looked upon as having lots of it, I have been wondering where this said potential has gotten me. Did I ever have potential if I haven't grown? Am I just a regular person who appears to have potential but will never hit the mark....because I never had it to begin with? Have I peaked too early?

I have been asking myself these questions lately because I feel like all of my talents and "potential" have taken a backseat to everything else in my life. I also lose focus too easily and my rebound time is a bit questionable these days. As usual I think too damn much and I often interrupt my own flow. I feel like I have been in a creative rut for sometime. So as usual I question myself, not in a way that promotes discouragement, but to problem solve. Bla bla bla

At the end of the day, potential isn't a dirty word.

DR Mike.

Love Takes No Prisoners.

2011-03-31T01:12:00.000-04:00

A lot of time has passed since I have written something personal. Something I have been thinking about lately is how difficult it is to accept change when you are in a relationship. As a person who has lots of pride in who I am today (and how I have gotten myself from A to B and back)...its almost painful to change it for the sake of being in a relationship. Mind you, I love my relationship, but it almost feels as if I don't love myself as much as I used to. Like I don't know who I am changing into next, because its not all up to me anymore. I mean, it is, but when in a relationship, if you want it to work, you cant just do what you want...you have to be considerate. Being considerate means being able to compromise.

That has to be the most profound 3 syllable word ever. It sounds so good in theory, but it can be such a jagged little pill. I know that I live in my head and I often get in my own way, but I know that this will never get easier. Love, regardless of what you think you know about it, is not meant to be easy. It is always a work in progress, and it needs lots of attention. Love takes no prisoners.

I am in a very weird place right now.

A Fetish for Fashion

2011-02-13T16:30:00.001-05:00

On Feb 12, Folsom Street East presented its First Anual Fetish Fashion Show and Charity Auction, benefitting The Center: the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center. Billboard Dance Number 1 artist, Sylvia Tosun, performed and hosted at the event. Many of you may not know, but Sylvia was one of my bosses when I worked for a hotel in Manhattan. She invited me as a VIP guest and I of course brought my camera to catch al of the action!

I hope you enjoy viewing the pictures as much as I enjoyed taking them! ;)

Lots more after the jump...

My 3rd Birthday in NYC

2011-02-13T16:05:00.000-05:00

Here are some pics from my 3rd official Birthday in NYC. Like last year, I had it at F-Word. However, this year, F-Word is now at legendary nightclub Splash. A good time was had by all! As I glanced through the pictures, I noticed that there were LOTS of people I didn't get to photograph. Either way, the general energy is in the pics.

There are lots more pics after the jump.....

To Finish..

2010-11-29T01:28:00.001-05:00

The challenges that come with being in a relationship have forced me to look at how I act towards challenges in general. Especially when it comes to other people. My default is usually to drop things/people when they get too complicated. Im kind of over that process...its just hard to change something that is so automatic.

Sometimes trying to change something can be futile if you dont know where it comes from. Im not going to break down all my issues on this blog because it would take too long. However, Im trying to change it. Little by little, I am changing everyday. In my past relationships, I have been the "tit-for-tat lover." All that does is make the situation worse, and really, nobody wins with that attitude. Again, very hard for me to stop being that way, but its a process that I am walking myself through.

Knowing that you deserve love and good things isn't enough, you have to work at it if you want a strong finish.

...and Im working it.

To Be Acknowledged ...

2010-10-27T00:27:00.005-04:00

Earlier today while I was at work, I was caught off guard by a beautifully written blog post about me...and I rushed to the bathroom to cry. I wasn't having a bad day, it was going quite well actually, but it just meant the world to me. Not that I am short of appreciation from the people that love me, but this post moved me because it was out of nowhere. This is the result of a friendship that has been as steady as a winter day in Alaska.

This doesn't take away from any of the love and support I have received from anybody else. In general, I am facing many tough obstacles, so, yes, this does give me quite the needed boost. Right now as I type this, I am teary eyed and listening to Sade. lol Typical me.

I don't want to type too much about myself before I ruin the moment...however, I want to say that relationships are what keep your soul alive. Whether it be with yourself, religion, friends, lovers or whoever makes you happy, make it a point to let them know how important they are to you. Its powerful stuff.

Gratitude is a gift that you should give to the people who sustain you.

Rob Herring, we really have grown a lot and have watched each other become men. No words in this post can contain the love and appreciation that I have for you. You have been my cheerleader at every corner, milestone, low, and high since we have met. I have never ever had to ask you for anything..it has always been automatic.

thank you for your friendship.

This is the post that Rob wrote for me:

"Much can be said for the way today's communicative mediums have eroded the interpersonal engagement - but about a decade ago that's how I met one of my closest friends. I guess something can be said for fate as well - but through the course of years we have managed to work & maintenance quite the friendship. New aged city mouse & ~~country~~ southern mouse - Mikey was this gateway to something broader, imaginative - passionately creative; strengths of my own whose surfaces I had barely even scraped at that time. Fast forwarding through the years there were probably thousands of instant messages, one checking on the other - another zillion texts to share an occasional laugh or advice sessions - & an infinite number of "talk me off of the ledge" late night phone calls. Often times we don't take the time to watch people grow - but I've been privy to not only witness Mikey grow, I've been lucky to grow along side him in a similar direction.
Recently I watched Mikey brave through one of the toughest periods I have seen him endure to date - & then I watched the inevitable bounce back, phoenix from ashes, Britney Spears "Stronger" & shit. Now I see Mikey settling into his routine & being reminded again - of how much more he wants from this life, from it's passions, & from its wealth of teachings & opportunities. It was a message I wanted to offer to my friend, as a friend - especially now in this season where it can be received & in effort to prepare him for his next obstacle. Someone imparted this to me recently & I thought to pass it on, because as complicated & layered as we are, this antidote was from a simple perspective endowed by wisdom which can only be garnered through trial, error, age & or experience. I was at my job one day, fatigued with the routine, unsettled by the direction of my life as of late & frustrated trying to snatch back the reigns - It was there lamenting & discussing this stalemate dilemma with a colleague, that's well over twice my senior, that I was given this a caveat that she received from her life coach - "...my dear, this is just a lily pad for you." She fleshed out for me this theory of transition & she started with telling me that I was preparing to take my next leap - & when you leap, you need somewhere to land until the next leap - another lily pad.
Each stage in life is this transitional building block that gives you some haven, or teaching point - to better equip you for the next stage. Depending on your growth in this life there can be tons of these transitional periods - but no matter how good or bad, they are always - temporary. So back to Mikey, even now coming into everything with the new job & the website (www.streetwalkersnyc.com) *shameless plug* there's still this hunt for more. We have even discussed this, its like there's this invisible hour glass somewhere guarded by ninjas hyped up on meth, & where racing against time, running over glass in stripper heels. Even still, even this season - yea the one we're currently in where we are waiting to breakthrough to doing whatever it is we love - yea, its just another lily pad as well. So let's take some time, slow down, learn what were suppose to be learning & build for the next leap so that we when land its somewhere worth building.

Ten years strong - love you Mikey."

you can also see the original post on his site: http://royalrhetoric.blogspot.com/2010/10/life-lillies-for-michael-rivera.html

2 Y.O.

2010-09-30T00:29:00.001-04:00

Myself with Ryan Nickulas and TJ Kelly of The A-List: New York.

Just about two years ago, on October 1st, 2008, I moved from Boston to Brooklyn. My how things have changed since then. First of all, I am a happier person and I no longer feel trapped. No place has ever broken my heart the way Boston has...but as much as I loathe that place, I am from there, so we will always be connected. However, NYC is quickly becoming my home.

As you may know, besides my 9 to 5 job, I am creator and editor of www.StreetWalkersNYC.com. I recently covered Logo's first episode screening of The A-List: New York, and it was definitely educational. I got to see how other press people work and what is expected at an event like that. I was really unprepared, but Im ok with that, Im still new around here. ;)

I would be lying if I said this was easy...its actually pretty damn hard. But Im working it...I didn't come here to give up during hard times. This is NYC...nothing here is easy.

Somebody remind me to do a post with my visual transformations since I got here. Gold dusted rattails and such... lol

Look closely...

2010-09-19T21:41:00.002-04:00

As my love and I were having brunch at EGG, last week, he decided to draw me on the disposable tablecloth. So cute of him!

The Bachelor Auction!

2010-09-19T21:20:00.003-04:00

Come and bid on me or any of the guys up for auction. Its for a great cause and its tax deductible! ;)

Finally, Now.

2010-08-16T12:36:00.004-04:00

with Bory in Times Square, photographing for http://www.streetwalkersnyc.com/

Since the last time I dropped a full post, I have covered a lot of ground. I have a new job, have been to Fire Island twice, have gotten further into my relationship, started a new blog, and I seem to care a lot less about a lot of shit. lol The latter could be a good or bad thing. ;)

Let's see, my job is pretty cool. I do lots of admin and busy work for a rooftop lounge. My "office" is in a private party room. labeled the "VIP Room." Its pretty swanky, and I have one hell of a view. Not the best pay, but it works for now, and I like who I work with. Liking your coworkers and managers is key, when you are at work. I am thankful to be where I am....things were starting to look kind of bleak for a moment. But I never gave up, and made it happen. I am going on just about 2 years of living in NYC, and I cannot believe how fast time flies! I am still in love with this city, I think I fall in love with it even more every passing month.

I was off and on unemployed for 2 years...and as much as I loved being in a 9 to 5 world, I don't want to do this anymore. lol I want to be my own boss. So I decided to ask one of my bff's, Harvey Champagne, to join me in creating a variety blog based on NYC. Its been 2 weeks since we have gone live with the site, and the feedback has been pretty good. A lot of kinks have to be ironed out, but its a work in process that we both enjoy. The purpose of the blog is to do all the things I love while opening doors to new career opportunities.

I am in a great place right now. I am in love, I have employment, great friends, and am able to marry my love for photography, graphic design and socializing, all into one project. None of those things are perfect, but they are all sustaining me right now, and I am very grateful. Its weird typing all of that out, because I am so self tortured, that its hard to admit when good things are happening to me. My mind is so Debby Downer-ish.

I am not sure if I still have a following, but thank you to everybody who still reads my shit. Its a privilege to have my thoughts be heard.

Here is the link to our new blog: http://www.streetwalkersnyc.com/

with Kelly Horton of Madison Kelly NYC

with Marcella "Incredible Lago" Araica

Harvey Champagne

the infamous Dawter, Brandon.

with Sylvia Tosun, backstage after her show.

Coco & Breezy glasses, remixed in 3D.

Im still alive!

2010-08-09T02:44:00.001-04:00

I have been very busy and unable to update this blog...but I miss it! So i will post something this week with updates. Sometimes you have to step away from the blog and let life happen. A lot has been going on and I can't wait to share it.

Talk to you soon,

Mike Milan

Shadowed.

2010-05-24T00:18:00.002-04:00

as the sun slid back into my life

there you were with sun rays beaming on your face

I see you with all of your beautiful flaws

and I realize....

My heart now has a shadow.

Last Minute Photography

2010-05-11T23:55:00.004-04:00

My friend asked if I could fill in for a photographer that canceled out on him at the last minute. I had nothing else to do, so I jumped and took some nice shots of this gorgeous young lady. The shoot was for my friends final project at FIT.

Celebrating and Social Differences

2010-05-11T23:04:00.006-04:00

Since my last post, things have actually been going in the right direction. Still in love with life, NYC, my guy, etc. Things are far from perfect, but I am in it to win it. In the last few weeks, there have been lots of dancing and celebrating. Celebrating new/old friendships, opportunities, good times and progression.

One particular subject/situation that has come up recently, is my quietness around new people. Naturally and contrary to popular belief, I am not good at breaking the ice. However, when spoken to, I am very responsive. I can go on and on about how I grew up and why it's difficult for me to excel in new social situations, but Im tired of doing so. Call me stubborn, but I am into my 30's now and I really don't feel the need to constantly justify my shyness to new people (unless it is work related). Just because Im quiet and often expressionless, doesn't mean that I am not present or without opinion.

Somebody has to listen, right? It would be totally different if I was saying or acting offensive, but I am far from that. I also realize that insecure people find it difficult to accept my shyness and self internalize it...aka take it personal. What can i do? Im not a mind reader. Im ok with people asking me questions to try and understand me, but am not ok with being accused of something that is not true.

Anyhoo, here are some pics from the last month or so:

Waiting Room Blues

2010-04-22T21:20:00.003-04:00

This is unfinished. I typed this out on my phone while I was sitting in a clinic waiting room earlier today. Every now and then, I find myself sitting somewhere, feeling overwhelmed about life, and I type it out. I decided to share this one because I haven't been so emotionally conflicted in a long time. The last few weeks have been such a roller coaster ride. Every time I thought I had it in control, I didnt. Anyhoo, here are my cut and pasted thoughts, spelling and grammatically incorrect and all:

"I feel so lost right now. Its an all too familiar feeling and it hasn't gotten old yet. It still hurts. I feel like a failure...I feel violated, foolishly impulsive and even a little speechless. I want things to go back. I want things to be better. I want it all to go away. I want to not be the victim and I want to not make somebody else the villain...and vice versa.

I shouldnt have written that fucking email.

I want to be happy and make you happy too.

I have plenty of issues and will never be perfect, so I dont expect you to meet an unfair standard. I understand that you have to take the good with the bad...Im still trying to figure that out actually. How much bad can I accept? Does the good outweigh the bad? Am I being foolishly impulsive again? So many things I dont know how to answer.

The very few things that I do know are that I am ridiculously in love with you and...I have had such great times with you in the last 5 months. Im sorry for many things, known and unknown. Im also not sorry for many things as well. This is literally the lowest and highest part of my adult life. I know I have put you through the ringer, but these are the cards that have been dealt to me and I am doing all that I can do. I would like to say you deserve better, but I know regardless of my living situation, I am very valuable. I know my worth.

but of course I want you to be here for my rebound. That, I know, you deserve.

I haven't cried about this and I dont want to. I just want to figure it all out and progress.

Its just so hard when it doesnt come easy."

Photo's in WIlliamsburg

2010-04-15T14:18:00.003-04:00

Harvey and I walked around Williamsburg and went to town with the camera. Here are the pics he took of me. I will post his pics as soon as he picks his favorites.

Old Header.

2010-04-13T21:45:00.004-04:00

This is the first official header I designed for this blog (in 2008). I created it in my red room, in Boston. Hence it being called "The Red Room." I live in Brooklyn now and decided I would change the name of my blog and incorporate my commute to the city and back, on this new header. Behind me, is the Williamsburg Bridge, where the JMZ train travels on.

It was on that bridge, as I looked at Manhattan while the train was pulling into Essex/Delancey, that I realized that I was now living in NYC. It was what my friend Ryan, would call an "Oh shit moment." A year and a half later, I am still here, still trying to get my hustle on and still loving this incredible city. This view of the bridge is also where my love brought me during a very cold day in December.

Shout out to Harvey for taking the pics of me literally jumping around Bedford Ave.

"Special?"

2010-03-28T13:34:00.003-04:00

When you hit a certain age and you have had your fair share of dates and relationships, is there anything "new?" I spent all of my 20's feeling like all of my dates and I were experiencing all of these feelings together for the first time. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore. So if it is no longer new, is it still special?

When did everything stop being special?

Not that I am being a cynic or anything. I still enjoy love and all of the things it (love, dates, relationships) brings, even if I have experienced it before. But when those feelings come to me, I know exactly what they are now. Where as before, I wouldn't and it would make it all that much more intoxicating. Maybe its like liquor and my tolerance is high? Im still enjoying the drink, but Im not getting shit faced in an instant.

I am not writing this to take anything away from anything I am feeling or will feel in the future, its just an observation. Anyhoo, this has been in my head for awhile now and I wanted to get it out of my system. Im sure somebody else out there feels the same. And hopefully, like myself, you are an optimistic thinker and are not taking away from any present relationship.

If it feels good, let it flow.

Always in my Heart.

2010-03-19T01:58:00.016-04:00

This was written on Monday night while I was on the bus coming back from

Boston:

As I sit on this bus, I'm thinking of how my past has created my present and how grateful I am. All the good and all of the bad has added up to this.

I spent 5 days in Boston because my grandfather lost his battle to cancer. That man raised me, so it's been rough. Growing up, my biological father was never in the picture, so my grandfather filled that void. He was not the perfect father, but he truly was enough and he loved me so much. Anything I needed, I had. He really was an 'all action and no talk' kind of man. Its a hard trait to come by, and I always respected it.

My grandfather was the definition of selfless. He gave and gave and gave and never asked for anything in return. With 3 decades of military service, he had soldiers at his burial along with the American flag draped over his coffin. The soldiers folded the flag and then gave it to my beautiful grandmother.

I want to say that I'm done mourning and ready to celebrate his life, but that's not true. It's a process and seeing his coffin get lowered into the ground did something to my soul. Death is inevetible, but it never gets easier to digest...especially when somebody close to your heart, passes on.

I have conflicting emotions. I feel energized because I want to use this as a way be a stronger person, but I also feel a little fragile. With that being said, I will take this opportunity to push on with more zest and I want to cherish the time I have on this planet. Life isn't that serious. One of the few beauties of a funeral service, is that you get to see people in your family that you haven't seen in awhile. As dysfunctional as my family is, they are so beautiful and I love them. Usually in small doses, but love nonetheless. ;)

Here are some pictures I would like to share. My family is a little bit of everything. Jewish, Jamaican, Cambodian and more. (And of course my amazing extended family, Marie, Harvey and Daland, were present.)

RIP Angel L. Colon

August 22, 1935 - March 10, 2010

I love you Papi,

Michael

xoxo

Communication Changes.

2010-03-09T23:00:00.001-05:00

I am quite impressed with my self restraint these days. I have realized that as self aware and opinionated as I am, all can be lost if said at the wrong moment. Word vomit can ruin the message. As much as i am impressed with myself, I am also frustrated. The days of carefree communication are out the window. Well, not totally, but there was a time where I would fly off the handle and make sure my feelings were placed on a table for all to see. Sometimes I would shove it down people's throats. Now, I understand that the instant gratification of 'letting it out,' is temporary. I need more then that.

I often keep myself in check because I know that my way of thinking is a little obsessive. Its like I am too connected to my thoughts and feelings. Again, as great as that is, its a curse as well. What appears to be obvious to me, may not be the same to the next person because they dont live in their feelings and thoughts the way I do. When I describe it, it makes me feel like I am describing a person who thinks too fucking much. Which is true..and something I have been working on for awhile. Change isn't always easy.

Lots and lots of changes...but all good.

Pollution.

2010-03-01T00:33:00.006-05:00

I decided to go to the corner bodega without my phone. I also walked at a normal pace, and not my usual speed walking madness. I was having one of those, "I want the phone to ring, but I don't want it to ring," kind of day. While walking to the bodega, it felt nice to feel the cold breeze against my face and ears, running through my hair and allowing my mind to not be occupied by whats going on in my phone (apps, twitter, facebook, texting). As I was walking back to my house, I realized that my mind is polluted with a lot of trivial junk...and now is not the time to occupy so much of my time with such.

I have lots to be thankful for, and trust me, I recognize it everyday, but...things could be better. As always, I have a positive outlook on everything, but damn, I'm tired. Not "giving up" tired...I just have hit so many walls and I am..well..I don't know how to put it into words. I just wish things were different. But I know, things happen for a reason and yes, I will overcome all of this mess and it will be great. I can't wait for that day...I think about it all the time.

Please don't take this as a "woe is me.." post. I don't need sympathy..I'm just having an honest moment while listening to Sade's Soldier of Love, CD.

Today, I felt lonely for the first time in years. And its not because I wasn't with my friends or my boyfriend, it was mainly because I miss the person I used to be. I know that we progress and should never aspire to be what we were in the past. However, I just feel so messy and uncomfortable...which of course makes me a little insecure. I try not to look at the rest of the world and compare my living situation with others, because that's kind of insensitive. We all have different paths and obstacles, and at this moment, I can only deal with mine (but my prayers are for all ;).

I guess its a trade off I have to balance. Before this, I was unhappy but with a good amount of money and a successful career. Now, I am a happier person, dating somebody I am crazy about, I love where I live and I don't feel like a misfit here. I had none of those things before this.

Just gotta make it through...I have no other choice.

I have to be in Boston this week to visit family, and I cannot wait to be back already! LOL

Anyhoo, thanks for entertaining my personal thoughts and concerns.

If I can do it, so can you!

xoxo

Boys cut.

2010-02-26T02:15:00.002-05:00

My hairstylist, Ryan Nickulas of Ryan Darius Salon, gave me a regular boys cut. lol Its actually one of my favorite haircuts in awhile. Don't get me wrong, he always does a great job, but I feel very cute and simple with this cut.

Birthday Love.

2010-02-26T01:48:00.007-05:00

Feb 15th, was my birthday, but I celebrated it on Feb 12th at the F-Word (at Rebel Nightclub). A great time was had by all. I had over 40 people present, but I was much too drunk to get them all on camera! 5 shots of Patron and I missed the Daisy Spurs, Adam Lambert, Sahara Davenport and Rebecca Glasscock! If you don't know who any of those people are, google'em! ;)

Thanks again to everybody who came out to party with me.

xoxo

Hurt = Strength

2010-01-31T01:24:00.003-05:00

I am so raw right now. I'm listening to Sade's new cd and I am letting go of some demons tonight. My heart hurts, my head is light and I am physically ill. In this month alone, I have been hit with many obstacles...and although I will overcome them, I am hurting a lot. I am not one to burden my friends or family with my problems because nobody is without their own. So I either keep them to myself and go on a quest to solve them, or I post them here.

This space is mine after all.

Without giving too many details, cancer has crept its way into my life via a very important family member. I pray as often as I can. I have lots of faith and I know that Gods will, will be done...but it still hurts.

Everything else is questionable as well. Could be a lot better, could be a lot worse. Just gonna keep thinking positive and I know that some way, some how, I am going to get it all together. I know things are going to get better and that all of this hurt, is just going to peel away and create a better, stronger me.

On a positive note, I have been spending a lot of time with somebody that I adore....hopefully he will stay around to see that the mess I am now, is only temporary. If not, this too, will help me in the long run.

I have cried enough tonight but I hope all who read this can either relate or at least understand that obstacles cannot keep you down. Even when it hurts, you gotta stay strong and think positive.

;)

Like a (little) Brother.

2009-12-24T03:02:00.003-05:00

Paul is like a younger brother. Not because we are alike, because really, we are polar opposites, but because he reminds me of a younger brother... and I really do care for him as one.

Here and there.

2009-12-20T22:32:00.012-05:00

I have lots to say, but I am having one of those moments where I feel it is best to just let things ride. Im gonna keep being positive and reaching for success. Thats all I can do...I have no other options. In the meantime, here are a few pics from the last few months. House parties, clubs, around Williamsburg BK and behind the scenes at a music video shoot. All good times.

Also, peep my cameo in this video. I met up with Angel Laws, creator of Concreteloop.com, and Coco and Breezy. Just a reminder, Coco and Breezy are the girls who created the ferocious studded glasses that I wore in some pics I posted here a few months back. Im sure your memory will be refreshed once you see this vid:

Links to have: Coco and Breezy and Angel on Fire.

Enjoy.

Remixed.

2009-12-11T21:22:00.004-05:00

I took some pics that I posted last year, and played around with them in Photoshop.

It was fun making these. I need to get back into Photoshop, I used to be pretty good.

Like Old Times.

2009-12-02T00:18:00.007-05:00

I was bored, so I picked up my camera and took a bunch of pics in my roommate's room. The natural lighting was gorgeous and I set up my tripod and went to town. My last place in Boston was way more inspiring then where I live now, in Brooklyn. Its really clean and modern/sterile looking here. In Boston, the apartment had so much old school character. Every room and hallway was worthy of a shoot.

It made the tediousness of self picture taking rewarding. These pics here are ok. I like them, but I don't love them like my previous self pics. Anyhoo, here they are.

I love Teedra Moses

2009-11-16T02:18:00.002-05:00

Hey Teedra, first and foremost, your show was everything I wanted and more. It was intimate, you sounded great and I knew pretty much all of the songs ( i need to get familiar with more of ur mixtape music tho!). I look forward to seeing another show whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Your music is part of the soundtrack of my life. I have experienced many important life experiences since your album has dropped and I have listened to your songs for strength and inspiration. Everybody that I have introduced your work to, falls in love with you. There is such a great connection in your music. Every word is so sincere that it makes me feel like I can believe everything you say. You are the kind of artist that other artists strive to be. You don't just make music that sounds good, you create connections. I Think of You (Shirley's Song) has gotten me through a lot. Everything from the ending of a long term relationship, to the passing of my uncle. I would keep it on repeat, cry and write my heart out. Its hard to put into words, but that song really helped me out of some really tough times.

I am not just a fan of your music, I am a fan of you. Not that I know your personal life, but the fact that you keep making music, performing and the way you treat your fans, is priceless. You really put your heart into your work and it shows. I can never thank you enough for blessing the world with your beautiful songs. The fact that you knew who I was when I walked into the venue, was life changing! lol I look up to you and I look forward to more of your music.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Mike Milan

For those of you who do not know of Teedra Moses, please look into her. She is available on iTunes and is worth every penny.

Oh Baby!

2009-11-14T23:19:00.002-05:00

My first time shooting a child. It was definitely challenging. I had to chase him for good shots. lol However, he's adorable and one of those "good babies." You know what Im talking about..the kind that doesn't show out in public and call his mom a bitch or something. lol You seen them babies!! You know what I mean! lol

Anyhoo, apart from being a good baby, he photographed well.

Balance.

2009-10-22T01:36:00.003-04:00

I spoke to a friend earlier this evening about a somewhat messy situation that caused a little bit of friction between us. Once her story and my story were put together, the whole story made more sense and we were able to move on from it with a better understanding of each other. Although I have had my fair share of good friends gone bad, I am always open to potentially good people. I mean, who has perfect friends?

Im writing this because I am grateful to be able to connect with this new friend. As I get older and start to put a lot pieces together, it gets harder to feel like I can make new friends. I wouldn't say that I am jaded, just able to see through the bullshit a lot faster. Hence a lot of that time I would normally spend getting to know somebody, gets a little shorter when I see that they are not up to par. Which is why I cherish the friends I have now. I am very independent and may seem to fall off at times, but I promise that I never leave my friends behind. My heart is much too big for that.

So yes, mistakes happen but if its worth it, there is always a way to balance it out.

I can go on about myself and my characteristics, but my actions describe me better. ;)

Totally unrelated, these are test pics for Madison Kelly bags.

Where's Mikey?

2009-10-19T02:05:00.003-04:00

Good times.

Fear is the Enemy.

2009-10-07T00:06:00.005-04:00

In this year, I have been published twice: Once in Nylon magazine and once in AMNY. Because these opportunities came fast and without me fully understanding how hard it can be to get into a publication, I haven't really enjoyed it...or given myself the proper credit. When I say credit, I don't mean telling other people...I mean telling MYSELF. Yes, I got these shots through an amazing friend, but if I were garbage, I wouldn't be in Nylon Magazine, would I?

So, there is a fear in me. I think I have been living with this fear since I got laid off last year. Like, what am I going to do with myself? How am I going to make that much money again? Was I really that good or was I just lucky? All of that shit that I just pollute my mind with...it all comes from this fear of me not being good enough. It doesn't just come from me either. It was also fueled by people around me too. If you are reading this, you know who you are.

Negative friends aside, I allowed all of this fear to build up in my head, but not my heart. I have a lot to offer and Im gonna be diligent. I may not know exactly what I want, but I know I love to work...and this is a start.

Tomorrow (or later today), I have a little shoot with a celebrity that will hopefully get published as well. Yes, me and my beat up Rebel XSI are working overtime. I also want to add that my camera makes me insecure too. lol I show up to these events with my beginners camera and this shitty fucking lens and all of these other photographers, and even random bystanders, have better equipment then me! lol a mess! I have to control myself from putting my camera away. But you know what? I gotta start somewhere, right?

Fear is an enemy that I must conquer with hard work and determination.

Here are a few pics that I took in the last few weeks. Some were backstage at the Operations Show for Fashion Week, VMA Gift Suite and a shoot I did with a friend for her book.

I wanted to post something...

2009-09-25T02:58:00.001-04:00

...but I just don't feel like talking.

Trusting.

2009-09-04T01:03:00.002-04:00

I asked a question on my twitter and received a unanimous answer. The question was "would u trust a person who sleeps with their friends ex boyfriends, dates and boyfriends?" everybody answered "no." I then asked if they could be friends with somebody they can't trust. The answer was also, no. I have to say that I agree.

Custom Shades Rock!!!

2009-08-29T01:20:00.004-04:00

With the help of my friend Ellis, I was able to take these pics. These shades make for good pics. I got them from these very talented twins, Coco and Breezy. I met them in SoHo last month and was floored by their funky style and amazing shades. They were literally causing a scene on Broadway. People were slowing down to look at them. Anyhoo, they are very sweet and made these shades for me. You can place orders on their website: cocoandbreezy.com

Dear Aaliyah,

2009-08-25T01:42:00.009-04:00

It has been 8 years since you have left and I have made it a point to (try) dedicate a post to you every year. Be it on your birthday or on your passing. Aaliyah, your music inspired me to be as crazy into music as I am today. When you first came out with Age Ain't Nothing But A Number, I loved every single song on it. It was the first time that I realized I could become invested in an artist. When you disappeared between Age Aint Nothing But A Number and One in a Million, I panicked and read every music mag I could in order to find news on you. It was then that I started becoming music business savvy. And in true law of attraction fashion, I attracted many people in my life involved in and around music (or music school lol).

When One in a Million came out, I was floored at how different your music was. Actually, I was a bit confused because it sounded like nothing I had heard before. Sure, there was different music everywhere and I wasn't blind to it...but not in r&b. Not in pop and not in hip hop. Then came my interest in shiny pants from Tommy Hilfiger and my eyewear fetish lol. I even got the Yoji Yamamoto sunglasses you wore in If Your Girl Only Knew. I still have them to this day.

Somewhere between your first 2 albums, I became a dancer (was in a few dance groups and an urban dance company) and used One In A Million in one of my high school productions. The dance group I was in at the time did the song justice and I felt so good for being able to share my talent and love of your music. You released 6 singles from that album, sold 8 million world wide and proved that you were not the one hit wonder people predicted you to be.

By the time your 3rd album, Aaliyah, came out, you starred in Romeo Must Die, won an MTV VMA for Try Again, completed Queen of the Damned and were filming your parts in The Matrix. I was SO happy for you! I not only watched and invested in your growth, but I grew with you. We were the same age and our birthdays are a month apart. We both shared a connection to Sade (and I recently realized that you both share the same bday) and it seemed like the world was finally paying attention to all of your hard work.

However, on Aug 25, 2001, you got on that plane and never made it out alive.

I cried sincere tears for you and myself. I was going thru some young love shit at the time and this was the last thing I needed. But you know, everything happens for a reason and although I would love to have you here for the world to enjoy, you left a lasting impression on music (and me) and I could honestly not ask for anything more. You help put the wheels in motion and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, Aaliyah...you are apart of the soundtrack of my life and nothing can change that.

May you be resting in peace somewhere along with Biggie and Lefteye.

Missing you,

Mike Milan

I Choose.

2009-08-19T02:25:00.009-04:00

Thats right, I choose. I choose everything that goes on in my life. The good, the bad...all of it. I think we are all aware that we have chosen the path that we are on..but to fully understand it is something entirely different. I understand it now and I refuse to short change myself. Easier said then done, but I feel like something has snapped in my mind. I only have ONE life and I am living it now. Its so basic, but when I really think about how much I am missing because of my choices, I think about how I need to stop being so scared to lose something I don't even have yet. And really, who gets everything without failing at some point? So I am getting myself to a place where I can just do shit without doubting myself.

Again, easier said then done...but I am so ready for this change.

On another note, my good friend Bory came to visit from Boston. She is the most optimistic person in my life. She breathes a lot of joy into my heart and I always love when she visits. Here are just a few pics from our fun weekend:

Back to Face.

2009-08-11T02:52:00.004-04:00

I haven't shaved in 10 months. I only trimmed my beard and shaped it up...but a beard is a beard. Now, here I am with my mustache/goatee. Its a look i have rocked forever and its nice to see that after almost a whole year of something else, I can still go back to the beginning.

FYI, this pic is not photoshopped!

Dumb Date.

2009-08-08T02:41:00.009-04:00

I had a shitty date 2nite. I'm going to describe it..but I don't want u to think that its a roast because its not. A guy on facebook asked me out on a dinner date. I was a little surprised because I haven't had that happen before. Honestly, online, people usually ask to hangout or to have sex. Lol I know...but its true.

Anyhoo, I agreed to the date and went in with no expectations. We could be better off as friends, not be compatible at all, be super into each other, decide to skip it all and just fuck or whatever. So we meet up at the time and place that he chose, he asked me if I ate and I said no, we get to the restaurant and he then tells me that he ate before he got here and was too full to eat a meal. He decided he would get a small desert and something to drink.

I felt weird because I didn't want to eat a whole meal while he ate a brownie. He then asked me if I wanted to leave and go to Coffee Shop. I thought he meant an actual coffee shop and not another restaurant named Coffee Shop, across the street. I said yes, and off we went. I was confused at first, but I went along with it. There was no desert menu (cuz they prolly show it to u after the meal) but he knew the menu and ordered a brownie and iced tea...you know what I ordered? Water. That's what I fucking ordered. "And what will u have?" "I'll have water. Thanks."

It was all downhill after that. I could not hide my disappointment, my face never lies. You know..I just don't get how u can set something like this up and show up with a full belly.

Ok, lets say that he lied. Maybe there was some other reason that he didn't want to share. He should have canceled. As a grown man, when u make plans to go out on a date, u should take accountability and try to make things right when they go wrong. There was no damage control. Just my water and his brownie.

In his defense, he seemed like a really nice guy and he really tried to get to know me and was asking lots of questions. He really tried to keep the convo going. But, I was hungry and annoyed...so it was a wrap.

We obviously won't be going on another date...ever. But I wish him the best of luck.

****ONE MORE THING****

I almost forgot about this part. While we were sitting at The Coffee House, he was trying to keep the convo going and actually said "Tell me about your last ex.." I thought it was so absurd....that I blocked it out. Who the fuck brings up failed relationships and ex's on a FIRST date?? a.mess.

Dummy.

This and That.

2009-08-06T01:27:00.008-04:00

Lately, I have been thinking about...dating. (in my head) I have been kind of anti dating for close to a year now. Or maybe more. But...I thought of my last relationship and realized that I can't let that be the last relationship I ever have. I can't let that be the last time I fall in love. I don't want to take anything away from it or make it seem as if my last ex wasn't worthy, but I have so much love to give and I am sure that somebody out there deserves to have a good man. As do I.

I am not desperate nor am I going to do any searching...Im just letting myself know that I am finally open to the possibility. See, I mentioned here earlier this year that I believe I may never fall in love again and that I am ok with it. But once I thought about my relationship resume, I had a change of heart. lol

In that last relationship, I gave everything that I had but it didn't work. I am and always have been ok with it and have always known it was a great contribution to me as a person. All failed relationships have made me better for the next . Although my ex's will always have a place in my heart... there has to be more. And there will be...I know it. At first I believed that I would just move right along..but somehow I just got comfortable with the idea of being happily single forever. But that may come from the fact that my last relationship put me thru a lot.

Unknowingly, I shut down a little and my heart may have become a little lazy. However, I refuse to become a victim of love and war. I am too strong for that. My view of self worth is sometimes skewed because I forget that every aspect of my life counts. I deserve to give and receive love again.

Its just gonna happen when it happens.

I like that Freak Shit.

2009-07-26T13:24:00.005-04:00

I like to party in different places with very different people. And no, these are not Halloween pics! ;)

Site Updates Coming Soon...

2009-07-24T20:30:00.002-04:00

Its been a few years and I think I may finally give this blog its own address. I also need to change the banner. I want it to represent what I look like now (which changes often) and my surroundings. As far as the overall appearance of the site, I am most likely going to keep it the same. The meat and potatoes of this blog is the entries. So I dont need to go overboard with how it looks. The formula works and I am going to keep it that way.

As of now, life is taking place and I am very thankful for many things.

Damn, Im tired!

2009-07-12T01:22:00.005-04:00

Really, I am. I have been having symptoms of chronic fatigue for just about 2 weeks now. It started with the flu and now its this random tired shit. I look fine and I dont show it, but sometimes when Im out or working...I am DEAD on the inside. Seriously. Like Im a strong breeze away from being knocked over. My body wants to just lay out and do nothing. Lately, my head has been throbbing and at one point last week I felt my face got numb for a few seconds.

So yes, I am going to finally make an appointment with a doctor on Monday.

Now give me some monies. lol jkk

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I am still in good spirits. =)

Yup.

2009-07-01T01:11:00.006-04:00

Recently, I cut ties with a friend I have had for almost 8 years. It has been a long time coming and it feels great. This person has used me for every resource possible in the last few years. I am a bit angry but not as much as I thought I would be. I got by on the last few years of our friendship on the idea of "taking somebody for who they are." However, it got old and was harmful to me.

My feelings on this person is that he is a user. A user in every sense of the word. He gets into your good graces with his infectious personality and intelligent conversations, but when you take a closer look, its all a facade. What lies behind that fun attitude and intelligence is a person that will USE you for ALL that you have and leave you with nothing left. He wont even say thank you. Trust me, I know from seeing him use other people and even using me. I have a lot to say on this subject, but we unfortunately share some acquaintances and I have said enough.

I don't want to look petty.

FYI I don't cut friends off because of Twitter. Like a broken marriage, some friendships have you drinking the milk long after it has soured.

For Who I Am.

2009-06-13T16:14:00.002-04:00

Sometimes saying the "wrong" things isn't such a bad thing. Therefore I don't mask who I am because I like myself too much. I have been meeting a lot of different people in NYC and I have finally come up on the "I dont do gay things" gay guys. I can respect that. Its a preference and I have my own so I am not going to dismiss people over it. However, that is just me and a lot people can be close minded. And you know what? Im ok with that too. Because the core of who you are shouldn't be the places you like to party. So if you are willing to ignore who I really am because I like to dance next to Drag Monsters, Trannies and Bears...its all good. No love loss, I promise. I may be too free spirited for you to handle.

However, if you asked me to describe myself, I wouldn't include my favorite club night in that description. I would tell you that I am obsessed with music, love to dance and that I talk too much. Anybody that knows me well, will tell you that is a very accurate description of me. I mean, there are other things to add as well, but again, a club would not make it into that description.

All the other qualities are there for you to find out. I am somewhat hesitant to say things like "im a good friend, trust worthy and dependable.." because those are common lies. I would rather just show and prove. I have nothing to hide. I mean, look at this blog! lol

I am writing this because I feel like I have been unfairly judged in the last few weeks. I don't have a problem with being judged, but if you are going to do it..do it right! damn. lol

FYI do not let my soft demeanor lead you to believe "other" things about me. ;)

Tameka Raymond Update

2009-06-01T15:06:00.005-04:00

As some of you may have read, I had a Twitter battle with Tameka Raymond. I said some pretty harsh things (as I am naturally a smart mouthed individual) and Tameka has seen it all. I know this because she reached out to me. She was extremely nice and wanted to know if we have met and why would I say such shady things about her. I really respect a person that can approach me about some of the things I have to say about them. I am not a coward about the things that I say and am fully ok with admitting to being wrong or rude. Its all good. I take complete ownership of the words, actions and energies that I put out.

With all of that being said, during our very polite conversation, I apologized to Mrs Raymond because I never said any of those things to directly offend her. In the grand scheme of things, I am nothing in that woman's life. She is blessed to have the kind of life that she has, and although I am still a bit thrown off as to why my comments would have any affect on her, she is still human and I don't get any joy from personally offending somebody that I do not know. I am not the Perez Hilton type that builds a career out of tearing people down. There is no money involved here and nothing to gain from allowing my words to negatively impact somebody else's life.

I am still going to leave my previous post up because this blog is my diary. I personally go over the things that I type to see where I have come from and where I am now. I will however, add a link to this entry so if anybody stumbles upon it, they will know where Tameka and I stand. We're now Twitter friends and I have a newfound respect for her.

Thank you Mrs Raymond, for clearing some things up and for being a lady.

Feel free to follow us on Twitter:

twitter.com/TamekaRaymond & twitter.com/MikeMilan215

Bubble Tweeting and stuff.

2009-05-19T02:35:00.004-04:00

Bubble Tweet Vid of me singing a Keri Hilson joint.

Be nice! lol

Also, here a few pics from this weekend. My friend Erin, from Boston, came to visit me. She is pure awesomeness. Here are pics on my stoop. I was soooo tired. Look at how small my eyes are in these pics!! Well..they are not that much smaller then usual..but u know. lol

@ The F*Word. Saturday nights at Santos.

This Face.

2009-05-13T03:44:00.002-04:00

This is the face of a very drunk person.

The Boy Next Door.

2009-05-12T01:56:00.009-04:00

It never crossed my mind that I would be looked at as the "Boy Next Door." Thats awesome! The boy or girl next door is somebody that most people can relate to. I like to think that my complexity derives from how normal I really am. Hopefully that made sense! lol A new Twitter friend gave me a shout out and called me that (the boy next door):

Kelly Horton aka Madison Kelly NYC.

She makes these amazing handbags that are HANDCRAFTED! and here I am hating to tie my damn shoe laces. =P Check out her collection, its very impressive.

On a more personal note, I feel like there is a lot I want to type. But I can't put it all together. Have you ever felt so pressured that it made u feel kind of invincible? Like, if somebody were to say or do something fucked up, u would shrug your shoulders because you got too much shit going on? yeah, that is where I am at. I just cannot be bothered with the little shit right now. People have been swinging left and right and I swear I walk right thru that shit. I mean, when I get to a more stable living situation, I may go back and snatch a few of those mother fuckers up.

I have a little bit of fear in my heart right now, but that is apart of the game. Sometimes you gotta get that fear in you to keep you moving. I know its a bit sadistic, but it is what it is.

Boooo

2009-05-06T02:26:00.005-04:00

Today, I realized that I have been keeping a lot of my life private away from my friends. Not intentionally, but I have so much going on right now that I would rather not talk about it. I have never been so stressed in my life and I don't feel the need to express it to anybody or even ask for help. Unfortunately, I don't have the kind of friends that can help me in the situations that I am in. Its all good, I know if they could help they would. Well, at least one of them would.

I think the pressure is making me a more irritable person. I think about how I have been such a good friend to some, and how I seldom get what I put out, in return. Now, before I sound like a whining baby, I am nice because that is how I am...not because I expect it in return. I don't give selfishly. However, damn!! lol It would still be nice to have what I've given out! lol I mean, u have to admit it...most of us treat people the way we want to be treated. I am not waiting for that day and never will. But when you are down and out and trying to get your hustle on, it pops into your mind, "I wish somebody would do for me what I did for them..."

Then reality hits. Thats right....I may actually care too much. So then I end up feeling like an asshole because I don't want to be a cold person by caring less. All of this pressure seems to push these negative feelings to the surface. I hate that. Thank goodness I am aware of this funky attitude I have. It makes it easier to keep it in check.

Anyhoo, I am being challenged and I am stepping up to the plate.

Fuck off. lol ;)

I still get my party on though!

Ready for Contact?

2009-04-11T00:54:00.003-04:00

I think I am getting to the point where I am not only wanting to live a normal/employed life, so much, that I am starting to want to date...but like real dating. Not the "dinner and a fuck type" of stuff I have been doing. Don't get me wrong..I like "dinner and a fuck" nights, but I am only doing that because I am not in the position to date anybody. I try not to date when my life isn't together. Its only fair. Who wants to date a mess?

I see people do it all the time and its so tragic. I would much rather die alone before I allow myself to date an uphill battle. The only time you should struggle with somebody you are with is when you not only love them, but when there is time invested in this person/relationship. New people just don't have the room to be difficult. At least not for me. If you are difficult from jump, I do not want to see what you will be like later. Fuck good qualities...do right by me! lol for real. Sorry, I had to get hood to get my point across.

I need to start sleeping normally again. Let us all cross our fingers for this coming week. There could be some serious changes for me. ;)

In the Mood.

2009-04-06T23:31:00.007-04:00

I was in a picture taking mood today. I got some good news today from 2 different places and I felt well rested. It was also raining fiercely and I was a bit antsy. So I pulled out my new camera and took advantage of the brief moment of sun spilling thru an empty room in my apt. These are the results:

I have been a little dry in the picture taking department. Maybe its the weather, but I feel ready to pick up the camera again. And as usual, I always use myself to set it off. However, I am ready to beat the streets with different people. Lets get it!!!

Veiled Siren Speaks.

2009-04-06T03:40:00.007-04:00

This is a post to highlight my Texas Ace Boon Koon! We met on myspace a few years ago after I could not stop reading her blogs. The woman is not only very smart, but naturally funny. Her blog is very similar to mine. There is no gimmick here..its all her and all real. It doesn't come off as being attention seeking. It feels more like a person keeping you updated with the random things only a good friend would provide you with. Although its been a few years, we haven't met face to face yet. I thought I had the opportunity once, but a ticket that was offered to me turned out to be non transferable. Boo to that. In due time, Tiff!

Anyhoo, check it out and enjoy: Diary of a Moonchild

This is one of my fav entries: Old Time Sake

Her link has also been added to my Favorite Links.

Good days do exist.

2009-03-28T22:03:00.011-04:00

Awhile back, I mentioned that I may have some pictures in Nylon Magazine, for my friend Ryan's new salon. Well, it happened! I am very satisfied with my work being that I am not good at taking pictures of anything but people. I was asked to take pictures of the inside and outside of the salon. Its actually a small space and the bathroom shot was almost impossible because of how narrow it is. But, it worked and they used it.

Yesterday, I was walking near Union Square with a friend while he was on his lunch break, when I got a text from a stylist friend of mine. She mentioned that she saw Ryan's salon in Nylon Magazine with Lindsay Lohan on the cover. I knew it was coming out soon, but I still forgot. So I was very excited to hear this news while I was in the city and surrounded by places that sold magazines. My ADD got the best of me while I was in a store looking thru the magazine, so I decided to walk over to the salon since I was so close to it. Sure enough, as I approached the door, the magazine cover and the clipping from the inside, were on display in the window.

Ryan gave me a copy since he had a few laying around. It was really weird seeing something that I did in a magazine like Nylon. I understand that it was a very small piece and nothing that was even hard to do, but its mine and it was a big piece of my day. And it was a good day. The weather was nice, I got to see and hang out with important people in my life, I wished my mom a Happy Birthday and I even scored an interview for this coming Tuesday. Im hoping for the best and I am hanging in there. =)

^^^My work is in the top RIGHT. Click it!!

I actually get my hair done by Mr. Darius. Before I moved here, a Japanese hairstylist by the name of Yoshie Tanaka, was doing a fabulous job. I thought it was going to be hard to find another stylist but Ryan stepped in and has really done some justice to these locks. Everybody knows that I don't always do normal hairstyles and I am always switching it up. He doesn't just give me a haircut...he creates! Seriously. Its one thing to go a with hairstylist that can do good hair, but when they can create a whole new look for you..thats a real winner.

Ryan and I met in Boston and have known each other for more then 5 years now. I have to say that it is great to see another person from where I come from, be so successful in a place like NYC. This is just the beginning for him. He will be doing bigger things in the future. So remember I knew him first! lol jk

Please feel free to visit his website at ryandariussalon.com, to get more info on this fantastic salon.

His website has been added to my Favorite Links for future reference.

I am on Twitter.

2009-03-17T02:46:00.008-04:00

http://twitter.com/MikeMilan215

Check me out. I obviously talk too much, so here is just another way to keep yapping.

Follow me! lol ;)

Being Social

2009-03-16T01:08:00.006-04:00

Britney Spears Concert

2009-03-16T00:44:00.005-04:00

I went to see Britney Spears on the whim. Yes, on the whim! I was very lucky to receive a call from a friend who happened to have an extra ticket just hours away from show time. It was a well put together show and Britney looked AMAZING in person. We had some pretty good seats and we even walked over by the VIP section. Her smile is electrifying and contagious.

She lipped about 99% of the show. She sang the first verse of Circus and sang a long with the track for Everytime. I already knew that was going to happen so I wasn't disappointed but...there needs to be a better way to make it look realistic. They used the same vocals from the original recordings. Even for Baby, One More Time. I believe she was like 15 when she recorded that song. lol They need to have her rerecord some of the songs in a way that would make u believe that she is possibly singing or trying. It just seemed a little silly to me.

Also, she clearly is not as good as a dancer as she used to be. That could be a few things tho. It can be low confidence, her past knee injuries/surgeries, she may need to get her mojo back or she may not give a fuck. Who knows..but it was still a good show. The songs were ALL winners and people were having a great time.

Im not going to get super detailed because she has been reviewed a million times already.

Thanks, Benny. ;)

Like an Iceberg

2009-02-25T14:38:00.003-05:00

That is what we all are. The tip is what we see, but there is a huge base under all of that water. I somehow have been avoiding getting wet by staying above the water. How unrealistic and cowardly of me to ignore all of the things that have allowed me to float. I always talk about baby steps, but I haven't taken any steps in months. Everything has just stopped but I have been hiding behind any and everything possible.

None of this has been intentional...I would never intentionally hurt myself. I love to live and I love myself. But taking a step back from it all, I can see a pattern that I would easily point out in somebody else.

I have no idea what I want right now, but all of this confusion, laziness, denial and hiding is going to end up pushing me in the right direction. In my life, pain has always created beauty.

Thru all of this, I am still optimistic.

Dear Mike,

2009-02-25T03:11:00.004-05:00

How are you? We haven't spoken in quite sometime. I kinda feel a little left out here. Is there a way I can see you soon? Im a little worried about whats going on with you. What have you been up to lately? Don't lie...you're only THIS skinny when you aren't doing shit.

How about we get together like old times? You know...like how we used to be before May of 2008?!! We work very well together and I know you have to be miserable (and crazy) by now. Let's get your priorities in check, boo.

It's time for a comeback.

You're not getting any younger.

Best,

Your Brain.

Dear John Doe

2009-02-23T02:14:00.004-05:00

Hey, how are you?

First and foremost, I would like you to know that you got over me because I got over you first. You may or may not have noticed that part, but of course, every effect has its cause.

In the (recent) past, you have been a person that I have spoken very highly of and I even depended on your insight on personal matters. It sucks that things have changed, I really expected you to be a lifetime friend. But you and I are far too different and I sense something desperate and fake about your actions. You are also blatantly selfish and it has worn very thin. You have become somebody to put up with and not somebody to enjoy.

How did this happen?

I think maybe you either changed or became extra comfortable with me. Don't worry, I value friendships that are old, new and done. Your secrets are safe with me and I won't bad mouth or try to black list. I believe in karma and you will get everything that you deserve, good and bad. So will I. We all get what we put out there.

Don't fool yourself tho, if you give selfishly, you may not receive what you believe you have put out.

Sweetheart, clothes do not make the man. Stop judging so hard when you aren't even a real person yet. I would hope that moving to this city would spare me the unflattering social change you have gone thru, but I was already a real person before I moved here...so I don't have to worry about that. Don't forget to stay humble. Nice people are kool too.

PS, I didn't need you in Boston, and I don't need you here.

Just to clarify this Post, this letter is not for any ONE person, but for several. lol

These are people who aren't important enough for me to actually say this to. I don't want to salvage anything that I do not want.

Oh, and fuck you too.

;)

30 Y.O.

2009-02-19T02:29:00.006-05:00

I turned 30 on feb 15th and I thru a party at HK Lounge that went very well.

Here are just a few pics:

I had way more people show up then I thought and it was a good time had by all.

People keep asking me what it feels like to be 30 and I do not have an answer yet. What I will say is that I am going to start cleaning house again. Not sure what that means yet, but I feel like I have a lot of debris left on my shoulders.

I'll figure it out.

In the meantime, big ups to everybody around me who has been genuine. The older I get, the more I see how hard it is to keep friends. I am very blessed to have some of these people around me and hopefully they feel the same way about me.

NOTE TO SELF: Let go of the people who have no interest in you anymore. The past may have been great or influential, but there is no need to drink from milk that has soured.

Cheers.

Blind Item

2009-02-11T00:19:00.000-05:00

What recently relocated black studio fix youtube "star," is running around the city feeling a bit too entitled and spending too much time in the "bathroom?"

Not only that, but in person, he looks a little older then he says he is. They say good black don't crack...he's cracking!

Ttyl, Love Muffin.

Feeling like...

2009-02-02T23:49:00.003-05:00

..I want you more.

There are certain people that I am attracted to, but once I feel they want me back, I get all weird.

I don't know you well, but I am already not impressed, you mess.

Your happiness is contagious and I am proud of you. I don't know your complete past, but I know enough to understand it and to be happy for you. You are a great example for many.

You have my attention and I don't know what to do with myself. I almost feel like my heart wants to open up...but for your eyes only.

Grow up.

You are one of the most beautiful men I have ever had the pleasure of putting my lips on.

Can I put it in you already?

NYC is full of "users."

My Heart to Yours.

2009-01-19T02:36:00.007-05:00

I have a friend going thru a similar situation that I went thru with my last ex and I realize that seeing people hurt like that, is a weakness of mine. I hate to see people go thru that kind of pain. It is so consuming and it makes me want to give them a hug and listen. lol What worked for me, was doing everything I needed to do, 10x better and writing in this blog. I did go out more and started drinking, but whatever..i was 27! It was time! lol

So yes, to anybody out there going thru a shitty fucking breakup, the kind that turns your world upside down and strips you of your self worth/confidence, just remember that all of this mess should make you stronger, smarter and a better man/woman for you and the next person you are with. Everything that hurts you needs to be turned around and used as a strength because you cannot allow yourself to give up or fall victim to the same situation again. Rebounds are cool, but like drinking and partying, it is only a distraction and you need to fully get over the breakup with a clear and sound mind. It takes awhile and it is not easy, but again, serial dating and distracting yourself with booze and partying will only prolong the pain. I speak from personal experience.

This blog is my proof that a broken heart can make you a better person if you put yourself first and take care of your business. You know, I have grown a lot as a person and this blog may not have everything, but it does show some of my failures, triumphs and a good portion of my overall growth. I am very proud of myself at this moment in my life and I attribute a lot of it to the failure of my relationship and the drive it gave me to survive. So yes, to many of us heartbreak is one of the hardest things to survive, but it teaches you how to succeed by surviving.

So, my love, go thru the hurting now, because you will be so much better off in the future.

I believe in you.

;)

Because I needed a good douche for the New Year.

2009-01-18T20:03:00.006-05:00

Let's see, how do I make this as short as possible? A former acquaintance sent me a friends request on facebook. We were "freinds" on myspace until he deleted me. He lives in NYC and sent me a msg on myspace asking me how my move was. When I read the msg, I had a guest over from Boston and was too busy to reply. However, I did show my guest his page and we were complimenting his pictures (oh, the irony that follows). They were really nice and he's handsome. So, when my guest left, I wrote him a very detailed reply, only to realize that I couldn't send him a msg. When I hit the send button I got an immediate reply telling me that only people on his friends list could send him messages. Sure enough, I was no longer on it.

I decided to send him a message on AIM, but he didn't reply. So, I just let it go. He was never a friend, just somebody I chatted with online and a few times over the phone. Its all good, no harm done. This happened in October. So...when I got his req on facebook, I sent him a msg about it. This is our convo:

Me
January 15 at 11:08am
..didnt u delete me from your myspace friends list?

Douche
Add as Friend
January 15 at 11:16am
Report Message
this automatically sent to folk in my address book. you were still there.

Me
January 15 at 11:20am
ah ok. I guess now is a good time to clean it up.

Douche
Add as Friend
January 15 at 11:32am
Report Message
true

Ok, although this is not and never was an important person, it still blew me away. How can a grown ass man, well into his 30's, be such a fucking cunt? lol Seriously dude, what is your problem and why do you think people have to drop everything they are doing so they can reply to a message on myspace? If it were that much of a concern to you, you should have called or sent me a text. AND because he probably had some kind of small remorse or regret for deleting me so fast, he sent me a msg on some "other site" and asked me how my move was...again. I told him it went well and the convo stopped after that. So yeah, that request was not an accident. One look at his page and you can see he is not new to facebook.

You ever go to somebody's page and it has all of these words of wisdom type shit and these cliche fucking proverbs? He is one of those people. So, you think you are about to chat with a well rounded individual but instead you are talking to self centered super toddler with a chip on his shoulder.

So yeah, fuck you and your nasty self entitled attitude. You just did me a huge favor.

;)

Nina needs a new home, again.

2009-01-06T01:46:00.000-05:00

"If u were a person, I would tell u how important u are to the makings of me. I would tell u how u helped me stay strong and how important it was to my survival, that u never changed and always loved me the same. I would tell u that our walks this summer were some of the best moments I had all year. Seriously. When I brought u to the pond and u were amazed at the amount of water and ducks, I cried a little...because I knew I was leaving soon. I also knew that your road was going to be long like mine...and I wish we could share it together.

Here I sit in this Chipotle, by 36 and Madison wiping my face over my burrito (for real..lol).

I love u my baby girl and if I could bring u here, I would."

I wrote that on my cell phone and emailed it to myself. I was told via text message that my dog needs to find a new place to live. My friend who is watching her, received a messaged from her landlord stating that the dog has to go or she will be evicted. I totally understand and I am kool with the fact that she is choosing her housing over somebody else's dog. Wouldn't you?? I am very thankful that my friend was even able to take care of her for the last 2 months.

So yeah, I am a bit sad that she will be onto her 3rd new home. I feel like I may never get her back and if I do, she may be all weird and thinking she is not wanted. Animals get like that...they have feelings and they know when they are not wanted. Even if I never get her back again, I want her to be happy, healthy and loved. I know she is just a dog, but she also represents a very important chapter in my life and it saddens me that she has to suffer because I chose to leave her behind. I know what it is like to be left behind..and again, I know she is just a dog, but I feel guilty...

Anyhoo, this will workout even if I have to get back on that bus to find her a new home.

Still Nasty.

2008-12-19T12:05:00.008-05:00

My friend wanted to do a shoot with my leash and I obliged. He was inspired by a pic that I took of myself awhile back. Its the picture of me in the doorway with a blindfold and chain (you can see it on the side of the blog along with some other of my fav self shots). After taking his pictures, I thought it would be scandalous to jump in the photo with him. In my mind, I thought it would look hotter, but it worked either way.

Despite the sweat and closeness, we are JUST friends. No funny business. lol Serious.

And there you have it.

I was REALLY bored and up TOO late.

2008-12-17T12:27:00.001-05:00

I was up way too late and created this mess. Hey, its better then one of those lip synching videos! lol

Warm it Up (with love)

2008-12-14T04:52:00.004-05:00

Ok, I have to go on a music rant. I wont go all crazy or take up too much of your time. But, I have to take some time out to let you all know how GREAT Brandy's cd is. Seriously, this has to be the BEST cd I have listened to all year. My friend Rob said, "You have to be too young or have no taste in music to not like this." Although that may sound extreme, if you are a pop music fan, then this is essential.

In this album, Brandy sings her heart out. She is singing like I have never heard her sing before and I feel every last note. I really want her to win...I do. I want her to have that commercial success that she once had and deserves. However, if it compromises the work that she is putting out, I will have to be satisfied because this is GREAT music. When I play it, I can't help but to sing to it.

Don't sleep on Brandy. She is part of that rare 90's breed of R&B pop music that help shape what we hear today. She is a living legend and is still relevant to pop music.

How is Brandy legendary? Because she also helped define music in the 90's and if she stopped making music today, she would always be remembered and covered.

Do music a favor and pick up her cd.

I promise, you will appreciate it! I a practically begging you...lol

Seriously. Give great music a chance.

Fuck Up

2008-12-13T18:47:00.004-05:00

Thats kind of what I am feeling like right now. I have been asked to do a few photo shoots and I have kind of ignored them all. Not intentionally...but Im scared. Such dumb shit. On a random note, I may have some photo's appear in Nylon Magazine. Nothing huge, they are doing a piece on my friend's salon and he asked me to take the pictures that will be included with the article. Fun stuff!

I don't feel like explaining myself anymore. Im just gonna have to get the ball rolling. My office reality has turned into a pipe dream, so I might as well get my artistic hustle on.

Here is a pic of me getting my model on for my friend, Paul's camera. It was at 14th st. It was proly like 4am.

lol

Do I Look Crazy?

2008-12-05T19:02:00.005-05:00

I was looking for a new profile pic because I am currently sporting facial hair. The one before this was pretty fresh faced with short hair. I now sport a beard and bigger hair. I was going to use this one but then after cropping it, I noticed that I look possessed. Its quite funny.

Hi!! lol

Better late then never...

2008-12-04T23:32:00.002-05:00

These are the Halloween pics that I received a few days ago. It was a very fun night and there are many other pics but I look like a sweaty mess in them. lol

I think I may be Prince next year. Like, Purple Rain Prince.

Faith.

2008-12-04T18:00:00.004-05:00

So I have been battling a small cold the last few days and I am so ready to get over it already. For the last few weeks I have been feeling a little stagnant with my life. Everyday I wake up, I feel like I am starting all over again. Just the whole job search and constant effort to keep busy. I am not complaining! I know people have it worse and I am fully aware of how good I have it, but I not one to be complacent. Plus, I really don't have that option. I can't be jobless forever and I need to have a steady set of friends (or one) to keep me sane. You know, like a partner in crime? Yes.

Being sick brings about a lot of thoughts and emotions. Some people may feel lonely because they would like to have somebody to take care of them or you can be like me and feel even more determined to take care of business when you are well again. However, this time around, I am not just more determined, but I am questioning my faith. Many people do not know that I grew up in a church setting and brought myself to Sunday School for many years. I even went to a church summer camp in Maine. I read the Bible often and I genuinely loved spending time at church. All of this was by my own design and not my family. I did this on my own.

Even more surprising is that I grew up in Christian Science. Its a very strict religion that does not believe in doctors or medicine (No its not Scientology). I won't give too many details about what the Christian Science Church stands for because I have fallen out of practice for about 10 years and I cannot do it any justice. But, feel free to Google it ;)

I read a passage in Science and Health because I wanted to have some food for my prayers. I was reminded that the very foundation of this religion is the belief in Jesus and God. Pretty simple, but it occurred to me that practicing Christian Science would be harder this time around because I may not have that strong faith anymore. I was raised to believe in God and Jesus, and that will always be in my heart, but I will acknowledge that I may be "tainted." I do not know exactly what I mean by that, but I am not the same little boy who prayed so effortlessly and wholeheartedly to God.

I have some family members who are Christian Republicans that believe that I do not deserve to have the same rights as them and they pray to God too.

Things happen for a reason and I am sure I will have a better grip on my faith again. But for now, I am going to live my life loving my brothers and sisters with the respect they deserve.

I could go on and on with this, but I would type myself in circles.

Anyhoo, I still pray and I do so for my loved ones often.

Thanks for getting this far.

Experience?

2008-11-24T00:16:00.002-05:00

I had a conversation with a friend earlier today about sexual experience and I have come to the conclusion that I am rather inexperienced. lol Wow. How horrible is that? Well..inexperienced for a gay man! Trust me, gay men are nasty freaks! We will do it all.

So, again...I am not innocent! But compared to many many people around me...I actually am.

I feel kind of left out.

Not in love anymore

2008-11-22T01:28:00.002-05:00

I had a conversation with my sister the other day and I came to the conclusion that I most likely will never fall in love again. And you know what? I am OK with that. There comes a certain feeling of freedom when you let go of that programmed thought of meeting your "soul mate." There is a hint of sadness..i think or maybe its disappointment. Not sure, but what I am sure of is that being in love isn't for everybody. So to understand and believe that, I fully understand that I am most likely going to be apart of that group of people that will not be married or have some kind of lifetime partner.

I firmly believe that to love somebody the right way, to be in a relationship that will last, you need to be a whole person. You need to give yourself whole heartedly to the next person and surrender all that you have. You have to contribute to that person and vice versa. Although I am happy with who I am, I know that I have a long way to go and really, I am not getting any younger.

So love is something I am sure will pass me by. I loved before, but it was short term and not meant to be. So, I at least know the joys of it. I also don't want children. So, yeah...I am letting it all go. I haven't felt lonely in close to 3 years now and I can't imagine why I would need to feel that way again. Been there done that.

On the flip side, I am not denying myself the joy and blessing of being in love with somebody, but I am not holding my breath. Again, I believe in love, but I do not believe it is meant for everybody. Especially for me.

I'll cross my fingers for you. ;)

New Hair

2008-11-10T01:33:00.002-05:00

Yes, it is a rat tail. lol

Bus ride to CHANGE.

2008-11-04T23:43:00.003-05:00

On Sunday, November 2nd, I took a bus from NYC to Boston to take part in one of the most important moments in my adult life. Although I live in Brooklyn, I am registered to vote in Boston. So, I knew that to have my voice, my views and my vote be heard, I would have to travel hundreds of miles to fill out a ballot. And I did just that.

On Tuesday, November 4th, I voted for change. I voted for my country. I voted for you and for me. I voted for Obama.

I am happy that not only my voice, but OUR voices have been heard. Our prayers have been answered and we now have a chance at building this great country back up. Are you ready America? Because I am. Remember, that Obama is human like you and I...and he cannot do this alone. We have to all live the change and be the change we need in this country.

This is a great day.

Thank you America, you always find a way to make me proud.

Mikey

Fuck Guitar Center!!!

2008-11-02T00:25:00.003-04:00

As I was walking towards the Taco Bell by Union Square at 2:40ish AM, I walked by some guy with a bike, leaning against a storefront while peeing. I glanced at him and made brief eye contact and he screamed out, "Fuck Guitar Center!!!" I started to laugh and so did he and I threw up a peace sign and kept walking. It was worthy enough for me to name this post after that moment. However, I have nothing against Guitar's or the center in which they come from.

So I have had 2 phone interviews in the last 2 days and Im hoping to keep it going. I have met some more people and I am hoping to add to my non existent circle of friends. PS, why do people who do drugs always assume (and they assume right) that I do not do drugs and exclude me from drug fueled activities? So odd that at this age, people still keep their drug binges away from me. No complaints! I was told by a few friends that there is an innocence about me that prevents some people from exposing their drug usage to me. I am drug free and have never done a hardcore drug before, but i don't judge and thankfully, I am not so innocent in other areas! lol

Today, I went to GNC and got some supplements for my gym workouts. I am REALLY insecure right about now. Its the same kind of insecurity I had when I finished high school and I realized I was pretty much an adult that weighed around 110 pounds. Not sexy. At all. I am not 110 pounds!! Thank you jeezus, but I feel like I am and I don't like it. I have done a lot of research and I found out that I am classified as a "hard gainer." Basically, it means that my body is different then your average body. I can't go to the gym and expect the same outcome as a normal person and I can't eat like a normal person and expect to maintain the same weight or gain anything.

My metabolism is insane and I have to work twice as hard to gain and keep the weight. I know, you probably think that would be fantastic if you had the same 'problem' that I have. You might think that way because you are fat. lol jk Seriously tho, if I don't over eat, I will look like Nicole Ritchie looked when she was too skinny. That is scary to me. It also makes me feel like less then a man to be so fucking small. Thats really the best way to describe it, feeling like less then a man.

Anyhoo, I am going to Boston on Monday so that I can get up early on Tuesday and cast cast my vote for Obama. Exciting stuff!

Oh yeah, Halloween was cute. I may have some pics up if I don't look too skinny. Yes, that is why there haven't been any pics of me lately.

Forgiveness

2008-10-30T00:43:00.006-04:00

Two years ago was one of the best years of my life because it was one of the worst years of my life. That horrible time sparked a fire in me that put me on a rode of self discovery and has lead me to where I am today. No need to bring up why my year was so hard because it was all documented on this blog and really...I am over it already.

However, I am bringing that year up because I received a phone call today (wed, Oct 29th) from a person I thought I may never hear from again. In 2006, I helped a friend (8 years of friendship) by giving him a place to live and at times, money to get thru the day. He was having a bad year as well and as a friend, I gave him a helping hand. He had some drug issues that he was working out but I didn't judge him for it.

He ended up stealing my identity, taking all of the money out of my bank account and scoring thousands more in cash advances on credit cards that he opened under my name. He even stole a pair of limited edition sneakers as well. Thankfully I got everything squared away. All of my money was refunded by the bank, my credit was wiped clean within 90 days of my claims and I found my sneakers online via Spain (and yes I bought them again!). My year was already fucked up and that obviously didn't make it better.

Anyhoo, to get to the point, he called me today to apologize for what he did. He told me that he has been sober for 8 months and that he was in a program that has helped him discover God. He kept apologizing and wanted to send me money to make things better. I told him that I never lost money, I am fine, I don't need his money and that I forgave him many years ago. I continued by saying that I never held a grudge against him and I am glad he is on the right path.

I also told him that although I have forgiven him, am happy that he is sober and has a relationship with God....I take head to lessons learned therefore I have no room for him in my life. We can never be friends again.

He told me that I was very noble and that he feels privileged and blessed to have known a person like me. I take that as a great compliment, but I am only doing what I feel should be done. We love and support our close friends and family...and we should always forgive but never forget.

I wished him the best and we signed off.

I am still digesting it all, but I am happy with how I handled it.

Everything you put out will come back to you.

What do I love?

2008-10-26T02:20:00.004-04:00

I don't quite know. One thing is for sure, I don't love photography. I have great potential to be good at it but it doesn't move me the way I thought it would. I am going thru some sort of inner crisis but there really is no time to give into it. I don't really have a 'dream.' Not sure if that makes sense. I have had a few, but I somehow end up losing my interest. Hard to explain.

Where does this leave photography in my life? Not sure. It is still an option and I could possibly change my mind when I start living like a normal person again.

I am also a bit lonely here. I don't need a man. I just don't really have friends here. I do have one, but we don't like the same things, so I find myself not going to places that I want to go to. I also had a few people that could not wait until I moved here so that they could hang out etc. They hang out..but not with me. However, I didn't come here to hang with them, I came for myself and if you know me, you know I am good with rejection.

I miss working so much that I am willing to take a pay cut! I can also use the economy as an excuse. I don't even fully feel like I live here yet. It feels like I am on a break from Boston and my former living space.

I am also deathly skinny. Ugh

I miss Nina (I cried in my rice thinking about her..lol).

It will all turn around tho.

Mikey is still optimistic .

Don't do it

2008-10-20T02:49:00.003-04:00

I was given some great advice by none other then John. I told him how I am basically holding myself back and that I am trying to understand why it is I am doing that to myself. He told me not to do it. Don't even try to psychoanalyze it.

Really?

My whole life I have built myself up by psychoanalyzing my thoughts and actions. I have done this to mold and shape the way that I am today. But with that small statement of his, I just realized that I am harming myself in the process. Easier said then done...but its a big statement.

Self notes from my phone

2008-10-17T01:15:00.001-04:00

Sitting in an au bon pan on broadway and w 3st with jazz music on. "We'll have manhattan and fire island too" lost in random thought. This place has so much to offer and I have some good elements around me but I am still in a funk. My drive is non existent right now and I hate it. All these months away from work have fucked up my drive.

I was thinking I would jump into art and do photography but I'm too lazy. If I did it now I would surely fuck it up. So I am going to do what I do best: work. I'm going to get a job or two, and I'm going to get in the zone. I need something that is going to keep me in check and put I'm in the position to schedule things again. I'm not the kind of person that does well without a schedule. I need one or I will get nothing done. Sad but true.

So, mikey is going to get a job and take it from there. One thing is for sure, I may not want to do this like I did it in boston, but I can use some of those elements.

13 Days

2008-10-13T01:22:00.007-04:00

13 days ago I moved away from everything that I knew and landed in NYC. All of my most important possessions were placed in many boxes, both big and small, loaded into a Uhaul truck and driven to my new home in Brooklyn. It was an emotional process for me being that I had lived in that apartment for the last 5 years. That place is legendary in my mind and heart. I grew so much there and although I am happy to be gone, I will miss it.

However, I didn't get to bring everything. One of the most important things was left behind: my baby girl, Nina. I got a lump in my throat just typing that. My new place doesn't accept dogs, so I left her in good hands until I can figure out how to bring her to me. She is my heart, my companion and one of the greatest loves of my life. I made sure to record our last walk on my phone and I watch it everyday. It brings me great joy. In due time and with much prayer, I will have my baby girl with me again. =)

I am still absorbing the fact that my life is completely different. I have gone on 3 dates since I moved here. Nothing serious, just meeting new people. So far, I seem continue to not have any luck here. During this moving process, I lost a lot of weight due to stress, so I have some self esteem issues to work out. I am sure my dates would have gone a little better had I been more confident and less shy. So, I will curb the dating until I feel good about myself. Nothing is worse then sitting in a restaurant wondering if you are going to look too skinny walking to the bathroom (causing you not to go to the bathroom). Not healthy.

Besides that mess, I have so much to do here. And you know what? I am very happy with my choice to move. This is one of the best things I could have done for myself.

To everybody who got tired of me talking about this move for the last 2 years, I know you miss me. lol And I miss you too.

Much love to the people who helped make this move physically possible: Phea, China, Angel and Brandon.

This is a new chapter and I need to remember to not do this the way I did it in Boston.

I'm ready for my breakthrough...

Come see me off...

2008-09-23T01:24:00.002-04:00

I want to take a moment to say that God has really blessed me with the right friends. I may not have a lot of friends, but I have the ones that are supposed to be in my life and I couldn't ask for anything more. It is true that I am a tough person and that yes, I have done a lot without help, but no matter how tough and strong I am, I cannot do it all alone. There are moments when I do need help and thankfully, I have the right people to assist and guide me when I need it the most.

To all those who have contributed to my well being, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Big or small, you have made an impact in my life. My success is your success and my failures are lessons to be learned.

A lot has gone on in the last 2 weeks that I would like to blog, but I am tired tonight. I just needed to put those first 2 paragraphs out there.

((hugz))

Outside shots

2008-09-07T20:09:00.005-04:00

Finally!! Some fucking outside shots for classwork. There were 2 other models, but I didn't do such a good job. So I am posting this one. This is Danielle, I posted her pictures before during my first High Key shoot. Incredibly fun and easy to work with.

^^^This was fun!

Photo binge

2008-09-06T21:48:00.007-04:00

The pretty boy (Anthony) and the home boy (Angel) are my friends. I set up shoots with them and they came out pretty good. The shot with Anthony and the gold sneaker, crouched to the floor, is my best shot...like ever. The Guido guy was a model I took pics of for class. I Believe his name is Steve. He looks like the kind of guy who would have some hot skinny Italian bitch with him in front of a club. He had all kinds of beefcakeness going on. I would not be surprised if he has a tribal tattoo somewhere. Either way, I'd do him. lol I kid, I kid..well..kind of. lol

There was another model, skinny, blond and really fucking tall. But..she kept making "model" faces and she was red like a lobster. So I excluded her pics because she looked terrible. Yuck.

^^^Fantastic!!!!!

They Say...

2008-09-06T20:47:00.002-04:00

When people look at my work they all have one statement in common: "You are so talented." Or they say, "You are gonna make it/ You are gonna blow up." etc. Although I really appreciate those opinions, I know that I feel differently. I am at such a low point right now. I know what it is because I have been here before. Its not me being depressed or sad (I am far from that), its me being overly frustrated and feeling extremely stagnant. You know, I have done a lot during this time of being unemployed but I feel like I could have done way more.

Well its too late and I can't turn back time, so I am just going to focus on moving forward. In the meantime, I have to get through this stage in my life. I had an amazing conversation with my friend John, and I told him about my insecurities with my photography. He really hit the nail on the head and told me that I need to own up to being a photographer and commit to my craft. He is so right. I have been tip toeing around my work because I lack a lot of technical skills. I really am deathly afraid of somebody calling me out and exposing me for being just some person with a camera and no real skills. lol

Its crazy how I keep myself from growing by injecting fear into my mind. Seriously, I do it to myself. I am the reason why I succeed and fail. I am my best ally and my worst enemy. Sure, there are other obstacles that I run into, but sometimes I aide that obstacle by not believing in myself. Its such an amazing thing to believe and to have faith in myself. When I am having a low moment, I often don't realize how much power I have over the situation.

Anyhoo, I decided that I am going to own up to my photography and I am aiming to be a photographers assistant so that I can continue to learn my craft. I am not in a rush to get paid for my work. So I think this will put me in the right direction.

-exhale-

September Blues

2008-09-03T01:22:00.003-04:00

This is it. It is now September and I am supposed to be gone by the end of the month. I still don't have a place to live but I have a lot of faith and I am still determined. As I try to wrap up my life here, I seem to be facing some obstacles. Some are pretty important and others are simply out of my control. I do find myself to be extremely tired all the time, both emotionally and physically. There are some people in my life, one in particular, that has really run me down. I mean, this person has put me thru the ringer. I have been disrespected, disregarded, humiliated and in some cases I have felt used. That's what friends are for, right?

I sometimes get choked up when I think about leaving my dog. There was one time I let my uncle watch her for a week. He has 3 other dogs a cat and a bird. When she was dropped off, she was literally moping around for 3 days. I think it was because she was sad to be back and alone while everybody was at work. I think about that and wonder how it will be for her when I leave. My plan is to get myself situated to the NYC lifestyle, and get her back in a year.

Other then that, I am ready to go.

I am truly, truly tired...

More and more..

2008-08-29T02:29:00.010-04:00

I am trying to get as much as possible out of the studio time. This is an acquaintance of mine that I have known for 11 damn years. Every photo of him was so good, I don't even know if I am posting the best pics. I originally wanted a high key shoot but realized that the pictures looked better with some shadowing.

I feel like high key shots look best with women. Just my opinion.

Best thing ever

2008-08-27T10:05:00.003-04:00

She makes me a believer.

Thank you, Mrs. Clinton for reminding me why I am a democrat and why I love this country.

Seeing this really makes me understand that at some point in my life, sooner then later, I need to contribute to society in a bigger fashion and that giving up is not an option.